Psalm 124.7

We have escaped like a bird from the snare of the fowlers; the snare is broken, and we have escaped!

Escape...

Sitting in the ATL airport eating a burger and drinking a beer en route back to Charleston from Nicaragua,  I was with some of my favorites and we were celebrating my birthday (which was the next day).  I mentioned that I've cried every birthday since I turned 19.  Different reasons, different years.  But the overall theme being: I am not who I want to be; I am not where I thought I'd be.  I want to be perfect; I'm so off track from my original life plan.

Rennie looked at me and said, "EA, if you'd been where you'd wanted to be, you wouldn't be where you are.  You wouldn't have gotten to do the things you've done.  You wouldn't be here right now."

Such words of truth and encouragement.  Such a cool perspective.

As I read this verse yesterday, I thought through some of the things I used to want.  Things that I can honestly say I'm thankful I escaped because I think they would have been real traps for me.  At the time, disappointments and rejections yielded hurt and sadness.  Yet, in due time, they have also yielded real joy and freedom!  I am so thankful that the Lord's ways are better than mine.

Always changing; always the same.

That's how I feel.  I remember hearing the gospel for the first time where I really heard it and my world turned upside down.  I questioned everything and I wanted to be sure of what I was getting myself into with this Jesus fella.  As I was hashing some things out with my Young Life leader, I remember saying, "for me it isn't about not getting drunk at parties and not sleeping around...my battles are internal...in my head...and learning who I am/would be as a Christian."  

As the years progressed from the beautiful Windy Gap, my battles got more external, yet the core of who I am and how Satan attacks me remains the same: it is a mind game.  At the end of the day, Satan wants me to believe lies.  Sometimes that comes in the form of, "one more drink will take that pain away," but more often it comes in the form of, "you're just x.  You'll never be y."   

I wrote out the list of things plaguing me today.  And I looked for the root -- what hook does Satan try to pull me down with?  And here's the deal: while I know this is a lie, I don't believe that God loves me enough to bless me.  Which is crazy because I am blessed in so many ways.  And I know that.  But there are those other things...the things that feel dry and deserted and anything but blessed.  And my enemy loves shoving them in my face.  

So, what's a gal to do?  Fight.  My weapon is the Word and I looked and asked and the Lord provided.  Psalm 18, clinging to the bold verses.

I love you, O LORD, my strength.

The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer,

my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge,

my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

I call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised,

and I am saved from my enemies.

The cords of death encompassed me;

the torrents of destruction assailed me;

the cords of Sheol entangled me;

the snares of death confronted me.

In my distress I called upon the LORD;

to my God I cried for help.

From his temple he heard my voice,

and my cry to him reached his ears.

Then the earth reeled and rocked;

the foundations also of the mountains trembled

and quaked, because he was angry.

Smoke went up from his nostrils,

and devouring fire from his mouth;

glowing coals flamed forth from him.

He bowed the heavens and came down;

thick darkness was under his feet.

He rode on a cherub and flew;

he came swiftly on the wings of the wind.

He made darkness his covering, his canopy around him,

thick clouds dark with water.

Out of the brightness before him

hailstones and coals of fire broke through his clouds.

The LORD also thundered in the heavens,

and the Most High uttered his voice,

hailstones and coals of fire.

And he sent out his arrows and scattered them;

he flashed forth lightnings and routed them.

Then the channels of the sea were seen,

and the foundations of the world were laid bare

at your rebuke, O LORD,

at the blast of the breath of your nostrils.

He sent from on high, he took me;

he drew me out of many waters.

He rescued me from my strong enemy

and from those who hated me,

for they were too mighty for me.

They confronted me in the day of my calamity,

but the LORD was my support.

He brought me out into a broad place;

he rescued me, because he delighted in me.

The LORD dealt with me according to my righteousness;

according to the cleanness of my hands he rewarded me.

For I have kept the ways of the LORD,

and have not wickedly departed from my God.

For all his rules were before me,

and his statutes I did not put away from me.

I was blameless before him,

and I kept myself from my guilt.

So the LORD has rewarded me according to my righteousness,

according to the cleanness of my hands in his sight.

With the merciful you show yourself merciful;

with the blameless man you show yourself blameless;

with the purified you show yourself pure;

and with the crooked you make yourself seem tortuous.

For you save a humble people,

but the haughty eyes you bring down.

For it is you who light my lamp;

the LORD my God lightens my darkness.

For by you I can run against a troop,

and by my God I can leap over a wall.

This God—his way is perfect;

the word of the LORD proves true;

he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him.

For who is God, but the LORD?

And who is a rock, except our God?—

the God who equipped me with strength

and made my way blameless.

He made my feet like the feet of a deer

and set me secure on the heights.

He trains my hands for war,

so that my arms can bend a bow of bronze.

You have given me the shield of your salvation,

and your right hand supported me,

and your gentleness made me great.

You gave a wide place for my steps under me,

and my feet did not slip.

I pursued my enemies and overtook them,

and did not turn back till they were consumed.

I thrust them through, so that they were not able to rise;

they fell under my feet.

For you equipped me with strength for the battle;

you made those who rise against me sink under me.

You made my enemies turn their backs to me,

and those who hated me I destroyed.

They cried for help, but there was none to save;

they cried to the LORD, but he did not answer them.

I beat them fine as dust before the wind;

I cast them out like the mire of the streets.

You delivered me from strife with the people;

you made me the head of the nations;

people whom I had not known served me.

As soon as they heard of me they obeyed me;

foreigners came cringing to me.

Foreigners lost heart

and came trembling out of their fortresses.

The LORD lives, and blessed be my rock,

and exalted be the God of my salvation—

the God who gave me vengeance

and subdued peoples under me,

who delivered me from my enemies;

yes, you exalted me above those who rose against me;

you rescued me from the man of violence.

For this I will praise you, O LORD, among the nations,

and sing to your name.

Great salvation he brings to his king,

and shows steadfast love to his anointed,

to David and his offspring forever.

The Bridge Run

I passed the start line and started running.  The first mile was ok.  A few minutes in, I thought about quitting.  But, I didn't because I figured I could at least make it to mile marker one.  I did!  And decided to push on to mile two.  From mile one to two was the hardest.  When I passed mile two, I got my groove and the run started feeling good...y'all that is SO rare for me!  Also, let me remind you that I didn't really train much for this race and hitting mile two was good enough for me!

I decided to push on and just see what happened.  Here's the thing.  They have signs that say, "Runners keep left."  Well, apparently, walkers aren't very good readers because they were all up in my left side!  I LOVED looking at the crowd in front of me and trying to figure out who I should pass, via what route, etc.  I had to move to the far, far left to pass some walkers and things were going great...until...

There are these 4" wide PVC pipe drainage holes along the side of the bridge.  At some point, my left foot went straight down in there and I fell flat on my face.  I was STUNNED.  There I am, sprawled out on the bridge in complete and utter shock!  The people around me were SO nice and helped me up and offered to get me to the medic.  I thought I was ok once I got over the shock.  Honestly, the whole thing is a bit of a blur and I'm not even sure how long I was down/standing around.  A woman came up and pointed out the ambulance, but I felt ok and decided to start running again.

Like Stella, I got my groove back...I felt good running, but I was frustrated with the Lord.  Why did I fall on my face?  I started claiming truths and telling Him, "you are NOT supposed to leave me!  You are NOT supposed to forsake me!  You are my rock!  You are my redeemer!  We are going to do this!"  I called upon the Lord and He answered.  I calmed and focused, I fell a few feet behind a girl in front of me and followed her path.  I past the three mile marker and then the fourth as we were descending off the bridge.  I could not believe I'd made it this far.

Once downtown, I kept going.  There were people along the street and I loved being cheered on.  I knew if I could get to mile five, I could finish...but could I get to mile five?  Once on King Street, I asked a group if they knew where mile five was?  They joyfully told me I'd passed it and was actually at mile 5.4.  I couldn't believe it!  That was the furthest I'd EVER run in my life.  I pressed on and I have to tell you, crossing the finish line was SO FUN!

My iPod said 1:02:53.  I almost wept tears of joy at the finish.  Tears of joy because I'd finished.  I'd run the whole thing (sans fall) and I really didn't think I could do that.  Because I'd felt forsaken on the top of that bridge and the Lord reminded me that He is always there, beside me, behind me, in front, carrying me.  Always.

It was such a perfect analogy of my life the past 5 or so weeks:
Mile 1 - cruising along
Mile 2 - tough as nails (week before Nica)
Mile 2.5 - feeling awesome (Nica)
Mile 2.5 - fall - how I felt after Nica.  Satan knows my MO's and he loves to use them.
Miles 3,4,5,6 - pressing on and demanding God to be with me.  Depending on Him.
Finish line - jubilation!

We fall and we get back up.  We make mistakes and messes and our knees are bloodied and torn and ache like hell.  Yet we continue on.  We can't do it alone, but as the Holy Spirit guides us, the Father calls us, the Son reminds us of his sacrificial love for us, we move forward.  And because we do so, the finish line of the battle is all the more sweet.