Always changing; always the same.

That's how I feel.  I remember hearing the gospel for the first time where I really heard it and my world turned upside down.  I questioned everything and I wanted to be sure of what I was getting myself into with this Jesus fella.  As I was hashing some things out with my Young Life leader, I remember saying, "for me it isn't about not getting drunk at parties and not sleeping around...my battles are internal...in my head...and learning who I am/would be as a Christian."  

As the years progressed from the beautiful Windy Gap, my battles got more external, yet the core of who I am and how Satan attacks me remains the same: it is a mind game.  At the end of the day, Satan wants me to believe lies.  Sometimes that comes in the form of, "one more drink will take that pain away," but more often it comes in the form of, "you're just x.  You'll never be y."   

I wrote out the list of things plaguing me today.  And I looked for the root -- what hook does Satan try to pull me down with?  And here's the deal: while I know this is a lie, I don't believe that God loves me enough to bless me.  Which is crazy because I am blessed in so many ways.  And I know that.  But there are those other things...the things that feel dry and deserted and anything but blessed.  And my enemy loves shoving them in my face.  

So, what's a gal to do?  Fight.  My weapon is the Word and I looked and asked and the Lord provided.  Psalm 18, clinging to the bold verses.

I love you, O LORD, my strength.

The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer,

my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge,

my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

I call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised,

and I am saved from my enemies.

The cords of death encompassed me;

the torrents of destruction assailed me;

the cords of Sheol entangled me;

the snares of death confronted me.

In my distress I called upon the LORD;

to my God I cried for help.

From his temple he heard my voice,

and my cry to him reached his ears.

Then the earth reeled and rocked;

the foundations also of the mountains trembled

and quaked, because he was angry.

Smoke went up from his nostrils,

and devouring fire from his mouth;

glowing coals flamed forth from him.

He bowed the heavens and came down;

thick darkness was under his feet.

He rode on a cherub and flew;

he came swiftly on the wings of the wind.

He made darkness his covering, his canopy around him,

thick clouds dark with water.

Out of the brightness before him

hailstones and coals of fire broke through his clouds.

The LORD also thundered in the heavens,

and the Most High uttered his voice,

hailstones and coals of fire.

And he sent out his arrows and scattered them;

he flashed forth lightnings and routed them.

Then the channels of the sea were seen,

and the foundations of the world were laid bare

at your rebuke, O LORD,

at the blast of the breath of your nostrils.

He sent from on high, he took me;

he drew me out of many waters.

He rescued me from my strong enemy

and from those who hated me,

for they were too mighty for me.

They confronted me in the day of my calamity,

but the LORD was my support.

He brought me out into a broad place;

he rescued me, because he delighted in me.

The LORD dealt with me according to my righteousness;

according to the cleanness of my hands he rewarded me.

For I have kept the ways of the LORD,

and have not wickedly departed from my God.

For all his rules were before me,

and his statutes I did not put away from me.

I was blameless before him,

and I kept myself from my guilt.

So the LORD has rewarded me according to my righteousness,

according to the cleanness of my hands in his sight.

With the merciful you show yourself merciful;

with the blameless man you show yourself blameless;

with the purified you show yourself pure;

and with the crooked you make yourself seem tortuous.

For you save a humble people,

but the haughty eyes you bring down.

For it is you who light my lamp;

the LORD my God lightens my darkness.

For by you I can run against a troop,

and by my God I can leap over a wall.

This God—his way is perfect;

the word of the LORD proves true;

he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him.

For who is God, but the LORD?

And who is a rock, except our God?—

the God who equipped me with strength

and made my way blameless.

He made my feet like the feet of a deer

and set me secure on the heights.

He trains my hands for war,

so that my arms can bend a bow of bronze.

You have given me the shield of your salvation,

and your right hand supported me,

and your gentleness made me great.

You gave a wide place for my steps under me,

and my feet did not slip.

I pursued my enemies and overtook them,

and did not turn back till they were consumed.

I thrust them through, so that they were not able to rise;

they fell under my feet.

For you equipped me with strength for the battle;

you made those who rise against me sink under me.

You made my enemies turn their backs to me,

and those who hated me I destroyed.

They cried for help, but there was none to save;

they cried to the LORD, but he did not answer them.

I beat them fine as dust before the wind;

I cast them out like the mire of the streets.

You delivered me from strife with the people;

you made me the head of the nations;

people whom I had not known served me.

As soon as they heard of me they obeyed me;

foreigners came cringing to me.

Foreigners lost heart

and came trembling out of their fortresses.

The LORD lives, and blessed be my rock,

and exalted be the God of my salvation—

the God who gave me vengeance

and subdued peoples under me,

who delivered me from my enemies;

yes, you exalted me above those who rose against me;

you rescued me from the man of violence.

For this I will praise you, O LORD, among the nations,

and sing to your name.

Great salvation he brings to his king,

and shows steadfast love to his anointed,

to David and his offspring forever.

The Bridge Run

I passed the start line and started running.  The first mile was ok.  A few minutes in, I thought about quitting.  But, I didn't because I figured I could at least make it to mile marker one.  I did!  And decided to push on to mile two.  From mile one to two was the hardest.  When I passed mile two, I got my groove and the run started feeling good...y'all that is SO rare for me!  Also, let me remind you that I didn't really train much for this race and hitting mile two was good enough for me!

I decided to push on and just see what happened.  Here's the thing.  They have signs that say, "Runners keep left."  Well, apparently, walkers aren't very good readers because they were all up in my left side!  I LOVED looking at the crowd in front of me and trying to figure out who I should pass, via what route, etc.  I had to move to the far, far left to pass some walkers and things were going great...until...

There are these 4" wide PVC pipe drainage holes along the side of the bridge.  At some point, my left foot went straight down in there and I fell flat on my face.  I was STUNNED.  There I am, sprawled out on the bridge in complete and utter shock!  The people around me were SO nice and helped me up and offered to get me to the medic.  I thought I was ok once I got over the shock.  Honestly, the whole thing is a bit of a blur and I'm not even sure how long I was down/standing around.  A woman came up and pointed out the ambulance, but I felt ok and decided to start running again.

Like Stella, I got my groove back...I felt good running, but I was frustrated with the Lord.  Why did I fall on my face?  I started claiming truths and telling Him, "you are NOT supposed to leave me!  You are NOT supposed to forsake me!  You are my rock!  You are my redeemer!  We are going to do this!"  I called upon the Lord and He answered.  I calmed and focused, I fell a few feet behind a girl in front of me and followed her path.  I past the three mile marker and then the fourth as we were descending off the bridge.  I could not believe I'd made it this far.

Once downtown, I kept going.  There were people along the street and I loved being cheered on.  I knew if I could get to mile five, I could finish...but could I get to mile five?  Once on King Street, I asked a group if they knew where mile five was?  They joyfully told me I'd passed it and was actually at mile 5.4.  I couldn't believe it!  That was the furthest I'd EVER run in my life.  I pressed on and I have to tell you, crossing the finish line was SO FUN!

My iPod said 1:02:53.  I almost wept tears of joy at the finish.  Tears of joy because I'd finished.  I'd run the whole thing (sans fall) and I really didn't think I could do that.  Because I'd felt forsaken on the top of that bridge and the Lord reminded me that He is always there, beside me, behind me, in front, carrying me.  Always.

It was such a perfect analogy of my life the past 5 or so weeks:
Mile 1 - cruising along
Mile 2 - tough as nails (week before Nica)
Mile 2.5 - feeling awesome (Nica)
Mile 2.5 - fall - how I felt after Nica.  Satan knows my MO's and he loves to use them.
Miles 3,4,5,6 - pressing on and demanding God to be with me.  Depending on Him.
Finish line - jubilation!

We fall and we get back up.  We make mistakes and messes and our knees are bloodied and torn and ache like hell.  Yet we continue on.  We can't do it alone, but as the Holy Spirit guides us, the Father calls us, the Son reminds us of his sacrificial love for us, we move forward.  And because we do so, the finish line of the battle is all the more sweet.

The blog's namesake

In my daily reading, I just read 2 Timothy 2:7, "Think over what I say, for the Lord will give you understanding in everything."  As I've recently returned from Nicaragua, yet haven't had time to process much, this verse hit me like a ton of bricks.  I've been able to get a few blog posts out on my other blog, but Paul's words hit me...because it is the title of this blog and the depth behind them.  My brain doesn't have much capacity to dive into it right now...but here's what I can conjure up...

I've been so busy since I returned to the states, that I've just had a few minutes to take it all in.  Today has been hard.  Hard to wrestle things like throwing a baby shower for friends that are rich according to the world's standard, knowing that a week ago, I held babies with nothing.  Hard to admit that I'm so selfish here (and everywhere) but I don't want to be.  Hard to function when everything seems backwards.  I want the things that I have seen to change me.  I love Brooke Frasier's song, Albertine that says, "now that I have seen, I am responsible."  I want processed words to yield actions.

Paul tells his beloved Timothy to be strengthened through the grace of Jesus Christ (v1) and to share in the sufferings of Jesus as a good soldier (v3), and then he says that the Lord will give him understanding in everything.  Paul exhorts Timothy to fight and be strong...and then the Lord will give Him insight.  Sometimes we just have to keep fighting when the battle doesn't make sense.

There's just so much I don't understand.  And, yet I know the Lord will give me understanding -- not necessarily answers, but understanding.  He will settle my heart because it belongs to Him.  I think understanding goes back to the Lord: knowing Him means knowing His character and trusting Him.  And He is worthy of our trust, worthy of our worship.  Regardless.  So, when the Lord draws our hearts back to Himself and when He reminds us who He is and who we are in Him, we do gain understanding...in everything.

Rules v. Relationship

As I read Colossians 2:16 this afternoon, I was yet again reminded of things mentioned here.  Paul tells the church at Colossae, "Therefore let no one pass judgment on you in questions of food and drink, or with regard to a festival or a new moon or a Sabbath."


Many rules and regulations serve good purposes, yet they are not to be our ultimate concern.  I think the Lord is showing me much about FREEDOM in this way because I continue to learn so much about the Holy Spirit.  The more I get to know the Holy Spirit, the more dependent I am upon Him for guidance.  When we walk by the flesh, we need the rules and regulations to submit to.  But when we walk by the Spirit, we need submit to Him in relationship.  He gives us discernment.  He lets us know what is right and wrong to do.  And I tell you what, I have much growing and learning to do, I wan the Spirit and relationship more than the flesh and rules.  More of you, Lord, more.

word AND power

The past two nights I went to a revival of sorts nearby.  The first night was awesome.  I truly felt the presence and power of the Lord in ways I've never experienced before.  I felt the Lord.  I received the gift of laughter.  I watched countless people be healed.  It was a strange, yet awesome experience.

Yet one thing bothered me.  There was little teaching from this pastor.  I love a testimony and am encouraged and challenged by them.  But, I want to hear the word of God as well.  I need that.

Last night, I worshiped the Lord in raw delight during praise and worship.  This isn't natural for me to do so it was a blessing.  Yet after that, I didn't meet with the Lord at all.  In my opinion, the evening was about blessings rather then the One blessing.  A few Bible verses were read, but again: no real teaching.

I'm reminded of the great need to couple the Word with the power of the Holy Spirit.  In Matthew 22:29, Jesus rebukes the pharisees by saying, "You are wrong, because you know neither the Scriptures nor the power of God."  Jesus says we need both the Scripture and the power of God.  Over the past few months, I've been learning how important it is to have the power of the Lord.  Yet, last night I was reminded how important the Word is.  It isn't one or the other; it's both/and.  

Exciting!

Last Wednesday, I was talking with a few friends about some cool things the Lord has done.  One friend had her leg grown in a time of prayer!  You can watch the Lord bless others in the same way here and here.  The next day I was running and thought it would be cool if there was someone I could pray for their leg to be healed.  But as part of this training I'm doing, I needed to do my full 20 minutes of running (always the practical one I am).  By God's grace, I made it through the run and was walking back to my car.

A guy in front of me with a dog was limping.  I passed him only to realize I'd be passing down an opportunity to pray with someone that I'd asked the Lord for!  He said his dog ran to chase another dog, he twisted his ankle, and it hurt and now he was limping.  I laid hands on him and asked the Holy Spirit to heal his ankle in the name of Jesus.  Jake said it felt much better but he was still limping again.  I prayed again, and it was totally healed!  I was overjoyed with the goodness of the God I serve!

As I walked away I asked Jake if he was just saying that...in disbelief that his leg had been healed, he assured me he was not just saying that.

I hope and pray that Jake was encouraged and challenged -- I know I was!

Surrender...again and again.

Tuesday night at Year Team, we had a time of prayer and worship where we just asked the Lord to give us more of Himself.  As I was asking the Lord for more of Him, the word surrender kept coming up over and over again.  The Lord reminded me that throughout Year Team this has been a theme.


The first Year Team meeting we had, September 6, 2011, included a sweet and challenging time of prayer and discussion with Elizabeth.  I asked for prayer about future, namely dreams desires...being: phd/teaching, getting married, missions. It was a sweet time of honestly looking at my heart...yet challenging because Elizabeth was like I'd really encourage you to lay these desires down (marriage and grad school) and see if they are what you want or the lord wants. I couldn't stop thinking about it for about a week afterwards.  The motives...not that they won't happen, but I think I gained a perspective I needed.

I don't want to cling to these desires...rather, lay them down and trust the Lord.  And I know in my heart that I cling to/idolize them so often.  Even still, all these months later, I'll have to wait and see what the lord does!

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Wednesday night service on October 26, 2011.

I very rarely go to the Wednesday night service at church, but wanted to go last night because I heard Dwight was going to be talking about speaking in tongues.  

During the worship, we were singing the song that says, "Jesus, my passion in life is to know you.  May all other goals bow down to you..."  I was praying and laying down my goals before the Lord AND all of a sudden, it was as if someone was blowing in my left ear.  Wooshing past me.  It was audible and my whole body shivered.  

No one was sitting on either side of me.  Just to be sure, I turned to look at the people behind me.  The guy directly behind me was sitting down, bowed over in prayer.  The guy behind me to the left was completely engrossed in worship.

I thought: wow, Holy Spirit, you are with me!  Then I started laughing because of course He is.  Was such a sweet and personal reminder of His presence.

THEN Dwight began talking and he read Acts 2:1-13.

Verse 2 = And suddenly there came from heaven a sound like a mighty rushing wind, and it filled the entire house where they were sitting.

As I got there and was sitting alone, I was thinking why am I here?  I wish I wasn't by myself.  And it was such a personal, sweet reminder that I'm not!  In that time, in His reminder to me that I am safe and secure with Him, I let my guard down.  I surrendered to Him.  The Lord increased His blessing to me that night with more giftings.  Yet, the greatest gift was His presence.  A great reminder to me that when I lay myself down, the Lord is ushered in...

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Steve's sermon this past Sunday (February 5, 2012) was on surrender.  Frankly, it knocked my socks off.  Was well delivered and incredibly challenging.   How much does the Lord want of you?  ALL of you.  Your time, your giftings and skills, your relationships, your money, your things...everything.  How much are you willing to surrender to the Lord?  That is the question.  It is quite a hard question, yet I think the times when I truly surrender to the Lord are the greatest times of walking without fear and full of freedom.


http://www.wearestandrews.com/sermons.aspx?ArticleId=1046


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As I was cruising through old emails to write this post, I found one reminding me of a prophetic word for me in the bulletin on September 4, 2011.  


For a lady named Elizabeth.  You know the love of God and the power of the Holy Spirit, but you have recently felt dry and isolated.  The Lord wants to refill you with His spirit and fill you with a renewed hope.  Expect great things as you humble yourself and allow God's people to come alongside you.  


This was the Sunday before Year Team started and I love it -- especially looking back and seeing that prophecy come to fruition.